You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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