first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
