i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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