alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
