Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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