It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
