she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
