Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
