You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
