Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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