If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
