I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
