Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize