Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I looked at my own cervix.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
