Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
