he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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