Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
