Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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