i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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