She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
