the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
