hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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