I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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