I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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