the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
