I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize