She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
BRING THE BAGELS
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
