I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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