I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
