Need sex. Gaining weight.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
