Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
