i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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