i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
