She went from zero to smokin in five shots
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
