you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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