You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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