Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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