i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize