It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
