If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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