STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
All I want is dick and wine.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
