we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
