btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I pour the whiskey from now on
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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