my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
