I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
