She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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