woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
