just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
