I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
