The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
