a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
