i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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