I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
