I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
