you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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