fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Moan for me like Helen Keller
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
