ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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