I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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