bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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