I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
