I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
