Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
