A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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