Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
