I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He is an equal opportunity slut.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
