So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
