So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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