I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
